Fatness Update

I have not been blogging about my fatness because, frankly, I haven’t found it much of an issue. Is that because I decided I was going to call myself ‘fat’ and accept myself as being so that it has become easier? I’m not sure.

Maybe it has to do with the fact I am so much at home and not exposed to strangers looking me up and down and thinking ‘Fat’ in a negative way. Maybe it has to do with not having to struggle as much as I used to when buying clothes (I haven’t gone smaller, there are just more choices these days, in Malaysia).

I am aware that I am considered a small-fat in the wider context of fatness. Being a size 12-16 is not too much of a problem in the States or the UK. But here, in Malaysia, I am still considered a fatty. However, the other day I met some new friends for the first time and one of them said, ‘But you’re not even fat.’ I don’t know if I was imagining that she said it derisively. I do think we look at people and they often seem smaller than we think we are. She and I are about the same size. However, she thinks she’s fat and I’m not. It’s normal. We tend to be harder on ourselves, focusing on the tiniest flaws.

I still have days when I want to go on a diet and lose weight, but then I come to my senses when I see that the neighbourhood bakery has baked a fresh batch of buttercake loaves. Haha.

Jokes aside, I do think I am happier in my skin and happier with all my wobbly bits than I used to be.

Whingy

ms cat nail bar

By Ms. Cat

For my fiftieth birthday, my eldest niece, Nadia, got me a voucher for a nail spa and so I went for a pedicure this morning. It was a very expensive pedicure (RM75) but seemed no different from the sort I usually have at the salon down the street. (Note to self: If a salon is called Posh!, you can expect high prices for nothing more than ambience, speaking of which, the piped music was embarrassing and included a tinkly version of Leonard Cohen’s Hallelujah.)

I also had the ‘callus heel treatment’, which cost RM70, but I’m not sure I noticed where the pedicure ended and where this treatment began, especially as the former included the ‘removal of calluses’. I must say my heels look and feel smoother than they’ve done in a long time. I’m pleasantly surprised as nothing can usually be done with the cracked and hard skin on the soles of my feet. Perhaps I was paying RM70 for magic!

I usually choose scarlett for my toe nails, but the last time I had a pedicure I picked a dark coral shade. You can see what I opted for this time. The colour is beautiful but, as always, my toes look like slug corpses.

While I was having my hour as a lady of leisure I received a text from the kids saying that my bedroom door had ‘locked itself’ and there was no key to be found. I shall have to call a locksmith tomorrow, but in the meantime, I’ve got one of the condo’s maintenance staff to remove the lock and door knobs and so now the door has to be held closed with a stool. I just thought I’d add that to this post as confirmation that a mother’s day always ends up equal parts bitter, sour and sweet.

One Small Step

Today I posted, on my Facebook wall, a picture of myself in a swimsuit.

It looked something like this …

daphneswimsuit

It’s certainly not something I’d have done a month ago, but as I am trying to stop being negative about my appearance, I thought it was time to stop just talking about fat-positivity.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vaginal Kung Fu

When was the last time you shot ping pong balls out of your vagina?

Sorry that this is yet another vagina post, but I think I spent a bit too much time on Kim Anami’s Instagram. Her posts are mostly (unintentionally) crazy-funny, her hashtags even more so: #fuckfood; #thingsiliftwithmyvagina; #amazingplacestofuck … but then I visited her website … OK, still funny, but I also now think this dame is seriously batty.

vaginal-kf3

Well, can you? The likelihood is you haven’t ‘mastered this essential life skill’, especially if you’re from the West, where the women mostly have ‘numb, under-functioning vaginas’. However, if like me, you’re from South-east Asia, it’s likely you can shoot ping pong balls out of your vajayjay as easy as spitting melon seed shells.Because, as she says in the video on this page (at 01:25), in many South-east Asian countries the art of vaginal ping pong ball shooting is ‘quite a popular sport’. Yes, we do it during PE at school, at family gatherings, on Sunday afternoons in the park, etc.

Could she be taking the mickey? I would like to think so, but no, her insane expression tells me she believes what she’s saying.

Incidentally, if there’s anything that might convince me to start exercising those Kegels, it’s the first item on Anami’s list of all the things a properly functioning vagina should be able to do. Now that would be worth even forking out USD199 for an Elvie.

vaginal-kf1

 

Spa a Thought for Your Vagina

Did you know there’s a sort of Fitbit for vaginas? Yes, it’s called an Elvie: ‘your most personal trainer’. For just USD199 you too can track your pelvic floor exercises.

elvie

Put it in, hook it up to the app and work the hell out of those Kegels!

However, if you prefer something more old school, there’s what is known as a jade egg, which was apparently what the empresses and royal concubines in ancient China used to keep their vaginas fit. Basically, it’s, as its name suggests, an egg-shaped piece of jade or rose quartz. You pop it into your vagina and, through a combination of the healing, positive properties of jade and the effort taken to keep it from slipping out and rolling away down the household cleaning aisle at Tesco’s, the egg is supposed to increase ‘chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general’. (The quote is from the goop shop, which shouldn’t surprise you. Who else can afford USD60 for an egg that you wear in your vagina, but Gwyneth Paltrow and her groupies?)

The Elvie is also featured on goop, as is vaginal steaming, not to be confused with the kind you would achieve when preparing nasi kangkang.

By the way, I was looking at pictures of jade eggs when I came across this person who takes photos that prove how strong her vaginal muscles have become thanks to, amongst other things, jade eggs.

lifting-weights

This is not a joke. Check out her Instagram for more pics of her iron vag (she describes herself as a ‘vaginal weight lifter, OK?), plus tips on sexual health: for the guys, get a ‘rock solid cock’ by eating betroot. Who knew!

Finally, and also vagina-related, I was looking for books (fiction and non-fiction) about nuns and convents (research for my novel) and came across Sister Katherine by Tracy St. John. Here’s the synopsis:

The Earth/Kalquor War seems far away to Sister Katherine and the nuns of the convent on Europa. That changes in an instant when an enemy spyship arrives and invades the tiny moon colony.

Katherine’s world is torn apart when she learns she is to become the mate to a clan of three fierce Kalquorian men. How can she save herself or the convent’s children from their conquerors when her body, heart, and soul cries out for the blasphemous touch of her captors? How can it be that her peoples’ sworn enemy is her only chance for true salvation?

sister-katherineIt’s pretty run-off-the-mill erotica featuring one woman (in this case a nun) shared (lovingly) by several men (in this case, three hunky aliens with blue-black hair, violet eyes and two dicks each – no prizes for guessing where the second one goes), but one thing caught my attention: the use of the word ‘sleeve’ for vagina. For example, ‘Her sleeve even clutched at Simdow’s finger, as it it would pull him further inside her.’ I know, right?