My last three posts have all been Caturday ones, which means I have not blogged properly for about two weeks. I shall try to do better.
I was in Singapore from 6th to 10th September for the Asian Festival of Children’s Content. And in George Town (Penang) from 8th to 12th October, for some badly needed ‘me’ time.
Don’t ask me what I was doing between getting back from Singapore and leaving for GT. I don’t know where the time goes these days. I do know that it takes forever for me to get back on track if my routine gets disrupted.
The message above was from ‘Raincity Dreamer’, the latest wanker I matched with on the dating app OK Cupid. It annoyed me, but didn’t hurt me, which I think it was supposed to.
Here’s the entire conversation:
Ash isn’t the first rude person I’ve encountered online. So many men react with mean, hurtful, misogynistic words the moment it’s clear that you’re not the sort of woman they’d hoped you’d be. I don’t know why there’s a need to be unkind, but apparently it’s caused by insecurity: It seems that putting a woman down and upsetting her makes them feel good (better?) about themselves. I find this bizarre, but I guess they really aren’t worth the time and effort it’ll take me to figure out their behaviour.
If you’re browsing OKC in the Klang Valley, this is one guy you should definitely swipe left on.
I did not know that Spike Lee had re-fashioned his film She’s Gotta Have It (1986) into a Netflix series!
Hmm, I had almost forgotten the film, which I watched a few years after it was released. I know I didn’t get it then. I didn’t get any of Spike Lee’s films. Back then there wasn’t much I got if it wasn’t in the great British/American tradition.
However, I remember I was impressed by Nola Darling (’86). I liked her attitude towards life and love, and men. I didn’t understand it, but I liked it and I admired her. I was jealous of her ability to love three men (and a woman) just enough without giving herself to them.
I’ve always known, but never acknowledged that I’m not a one-man woman. However, I’ve been a one-man woman in my relationships because I am not a jerk. I don’t want to hurt people. Also, I know I’m not evolved enough to be happy about my man having sex with other women and have no wish to be a hypocrite.
Sure, I have double standards, and I’ve been trying to figure out why (apart from the fact that I can be a bit of a dick) I do.
I think I am not secure enough to believe a man could sleep with others and still always prefer me. I know there are different things I appreciate in different men. I like them each in different ways because they’re different people. That’s the way I feel about my girlfriends and that’s how they feel about me. Why should it be different when it’s a man? Hmm … see? I hate how romantic relationships turn meinto a green-eyed demon.
I admit it — I am possessive as fuck — not to the extent that I won’t let my partners have friends of the opposite sex (although look at how that ended with Martin and Ee Kee — he left her for me), but I don’t like them polyamorous despite being polyamorous myself.
I think polyamory is complicated and hard work and I don’t think I can handle such a lifestyle. I don’t think I can do the ‘committed to each other, but sleeping around’ kind of relationship. I don’t want to battle with my own jealousy and my partner’s. I don’t want to feel hurt and to hurt others.
I figure the only option is to remain single. Like Nola Darling. Ish. Thing is, I don’t know if the current Nola Darling really knows what she’s about. Of course, I would need to re-watch the original to know what I think of Nola (’87) now, but Nola (2017/2018) … she’s too much of a child for me to take seriously. And her refusal to commit seems more about selfishness and self-conscious artistic posturing than a well-considered lifestyle choice. She’s twenty-seven after all. Haha, spoken like an old woman, right? Damn right!
I’ve just watched the clip in which Trevor Noah makes a joke at the expense of Australian aboriginal women. I think it’s shameful, but I know there are lots of Malaysians who would laugh uproariously at it. At best they would agree that the joke is rude and hurtful, but they would probably also think, ‘But it’s true: Aboriginal women are ugly.’
I know that the majority of Malaysians do not rate an Australian aboriginal’s physical appearance. Hell, we don’t rate the appearance of fellow Malaysians who don’t meet the accepted ‘standards’ of physical beauty, i.e. large eyes with double eyelids; a narrow nose with a bridge; fair skin. And yes, I’ve just described someone who might well be white. That’s because most Malaysians happen to think white people look more attractive than Asians. It’s no surprise that many of our fashion models, beauty queens and actors (of both genders) are half-white. When a Malaysian woman marries a white man, her friends will squeal about how their children will be super cute thanks to their white genes. No, I’m not joking.
It seems Trevor Noah has yet to apologise for his tasteless joke. He’s said he knows better now, but for some reason he’s not said something like ‘I’m sorry that I made a joke that hurt aboriginal women. It was wrong of me to say what I did just for a laugh.’ I have heard him make jokes about Chinese people and they have lowered him in my estimation. Sure, we all say stupid things, but surely someone like Trevor Noah should address these lapses in judgement and opinion.
As for the way most of us Malaysians think about beauty, don’t get me started. I don’t know if we will ever get over the stupid idea that Asian looks are inferior to white looks. I can’t see it happening in my lifetime, to be honest.
The more I date the more I am convinced that I will never meet anyone whom I’ll like and who will like me back. I think I will remain single til I die. This is not a bad thing, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to love and be loved.
However, after what did or didn’t happen with Don, I’m beginning to think that dialysis patient of mine, who read palms, was right when he said I am not meant to marry (I’ll take this to include any longterm romantic relationship). He didn’t say I wasn’t going to marry, but that I shouldn’t marry cos of some past life shit. Apparently couplehood will always end badly for me.
Well, no danger anyway as I’ve found most of the men I’ve dated recently super annoying. I liked one of them but he didn’t like me back (enough) and I’ve now gone off him — cos I really don’t see why I should be the one making all the effort in a friendship. I daresay I’d have gritted my teeth and borne it twenty or even ten years ago, but not now, nope.
No longer being willing to settle is a good thing. It means there’s less of a chance of me ending up used and abused. However, there are still these bad dates. I need to stop. I need to move on and learn to be OK alone. After all, I was alone for seven years after Martin and I split and I was fine. Sure, loneliness will be a thing but it won’t be as bad as having to deal with some man’s ridiculous behaviour.
If I’m honest, I wasn’t happy with Don. And I wasn’t happy with Martin. And I remember it didn’t take long for things to go pear shaped with Joel and there was a lot of crying with Din.
I have no idea what to make of what I’ve just admitted. I haven’t exactly been in denial, but I guess this is the first time I’ve come out and acknowledged that none of my relationships have been good ones.
I suppose the next step is to take responsibility for sucking at relationships. Yes, the guys were far from perfect partners but I was pretty rubbish myself. Still, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t want to fall in love again. It doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be adored.