They Paved Paradise

Lyrics are so important to me and that’s why I’ll never be a fan of the Foo Fighters. The lyrics of this Joni Mitchell number (perhaps her most famous) are near perfect in the they lead up to the point of the song, all the while giving you examples of it (‘That you don’t know what you’ve got ‘Til it’s gone.’) And until you get to the crux of the matter, you’re wondering about that mysterious ‘big yellow taxi’. A love story with a film noir vibe and an environmental message – I should use it as a prompt at one of my creative writing classes.Read More »

Sorry, Not Sorry

A number of years ago, I was asked to participate in an ad campaign for Origins’ new skincare range. Participants were invited to fill answer questions about our skincare regime, what we disliked about our skin and what we wanted to improve.

We were then given Origins’ new products and asked to test them out for a month before answering more questions, this time about how we’d found the skincare range. We were then made-up and photographed. We were asked to rate the products from 1 to 10, and we were (supposed to be) photographed holding up the corresponding number of fingers to show our approval of the range.

The plan was to use our pictures in Origins’ local (Malaysian) promotional campaign for the products, but mine were never used because I didn’t rate the products. The reason for this was I didn’t actually notice a difference in the way my skin looked and felt. Mind you, I’d not expressed any dissatisfaction with my skin during the first round of questions. My skin care regime has always been just to wash with whatever soap I happen to be using in the shower and then slap on the ‘moisturiser of the moment’, i.e. whatever I can afford to get, usually Johnson’s Baby Lotion. I have never spent more than a minute on my skin and don’t pay it much attention, so I really would not have noticed even if the products had resulted in any changes.

It’s been said that the beauty industry would collapse if women were happy with themselves. Cosmetics companies depend on us finding fault with our appearance. Not noticing wrinkles, pigmentation and goodness knows what else women are supposed to stress about with regard our skin meant that I wasn’t an effective tool in persuading other women to part with their cash.

I never had a single pimple growing up, and I’ve been told how lucky I am in that respect, but I wonder if dealing with spots would have been easier than worrying about what others identified as my ‘weight problem’. Acne seems a more acceptable adolescent challenge than being overweight: Apparently, no one asks to be pimply, but you only have yourself to blame if you’re fat.

 

Vaginal Kung Fu

When was the last time you shot ping pong balls out of your vagina?

Sorry that this is yet another vagina post, but I think I spent a bit too much time on Kim Anami’s Instagram. Her posts are mostly (unintentionally) crazy-funny, her hashtags even more so: #fuckfood; #thingsiliftwithmyvagina; #amazingplacestofuck … but then I visited her website … OK, still funny, but I also now think this dame is seriously batty.

vaginal-kf3

Well, can you? The likelihood is you haven’t ‘mastered this essential life skill’, especially if you’re from the West, where the women mostly have ‘numb, under-functioning vaginas’. However, if like me, you’re from South-east Asia, it’s likely you can shoot ping pong balls out of your vajayjay as easy as spitting melon seed shells.Because, as she says in the video on this page (at 01:25), in many South-east Asian countries the art of vaginal ping pong ball shooting is ‘quite a popular sport’. Yes, we do it during PE at school, at family gatherings, on Sunday afternoons in the park, etc.

Could she be taking the mickey? I would like to think so, but no, her insane expression tells me she believes what she’s saying.

Incidentally, if there’s anything that might convince me to start exercising those Kegels, it’s the first item on Anami’s list of all the things a properly functioning vagina should be able to do. Now that would be worth even forking out USD199 for an Elvie.

vaginal-kf1

 

Spa a Thought for Your Vagina

Did you know there’s a sort of Fitbit for vaginas? Yes, it’s called an Elvie: ‘your most personal trainer’. For just USD199 you too can track your pelvic floor exercises.

elvie

Put it in, hook it up to the app and work the hell out of those Kegels!

However, if you prefer something more old school, there’s what is known as a jade egg, which was apparently what the empresses and royal concubines in ancient China used to keep their vaginas fit. Basically, it’s, as its name suggests, an egg-shaped piece of jade or rose quartz. You pop it into your vagina and, through a combination of the healing, positive properties of jade and the effort taken to keep it from slipping out and rolling away down the household cleaning aisle at Tesco’s, the egg is supposed to increase ‘chi, orgasms, vaginal muscle tone, hormonal balance, and feminine energy in general’. (The quote is from the goop shop, which shouldn’t surprise you. Who else can afford USD60 for an egg that you wear in your vagina, but Gwyneth Paltrow and her groupies?)

The Elvie is also featured on goop, as is vaginal steaming, not to be confused with the kind you would achieve when preparing nasi kangkang.

By the way, I was looking at pictures of jade eggs when I came across this person who takes photos that prove how strong her vaginal muscles have become thanks to, amongst other things, jade eggs.

lifting-weights

This is not a joke. Check out her Instagram for more pics of her iron vag (she describes herself as a ‘vaginal weight lifter, OK?), plus tips on sexual health: for the guys, get a ‘rock solid cock’ by eating betroot. Who knew!

Finally, and also vagina-related, I was looking for books (fiction and non-fiction) about nuns and convents (research for my novel) and came across Sister Katherine by Tracy St. John. Here’s the synopsis:

The Earth/Kalquor War seems far away to Sister Katherine and the nuns of the convent on Europa. That changes in an instant when an enemy spyship arrives and invades the tiny moon colony.

Katherine’s world is torn apart when she learns she is to become the mate to a clan of three fierce Kalquorian men. How can she save herself or the convent’s children from their conquerors when her body, heart, and soul cries out for the blasphemous touch of her captors? How can it be that her peoples’ sworn enemy is her only chance for true salvation?

sister-katherineIt’s pretty run-off-the-mill erotica featuring one woman (in this case a nun) shared (lovingly) by several men (in this case, three hunky aliens with blue-black hair, violet eyes and two dicks each – no prizes for guessing where the second one goes), but one thing caught my attention: the use of the word ‘sleeve’ for vagina. For example, ‘Her sleeve even clutched at Simdow’s finger, as it it would pull him further inside her.’ I know, right?

 

The Other Woman

When my ex husband left me for another woman, he was quick to inform me that she was ten years younger (and infinitely more supple) than I was.

eyeroll

Ten years later, they have finally gone their separate ways. She is still ten years younger than me, but she is now forty and I wonder if she regrets the decisions she made in getting involved with a married man who made no move to divorce his wife (I was the one who pushed for divorce and he resisted to the bitter end), and who, it appears, never intended to marry her.

In the early days of their relationship, they did talk about marriage and children. It’s of course entirely possible that she changed her mind. In my opinion, she would have seen his true colours and thought better of getting legally joined to a verbally (at times physically) abusive and emotionally manipulative man. If she has no intention of getting married (to him or anyone) then that’s fine. I just hope that if she has arrived at that conclusion, it’s not because he treated her badly.

There was a time when I hated her deeply. I no longer have any strong feelings towards her. Too many years have passed and too much has happened for me to remain angry and resentful.