Wanker Alert

WhatsApp Image 2018-08-13 at 12.14.42

The message above was from ‘Raincity Dreamer’, the latest wanker I matched with on the dating app OK Cupid. It annoyed me, but didn’t hurt me, which I think it was supposed to.

Here’s the entire conversation:


Ash isn’t the first rude person I’ve encountered online. So many men react with mean, hurtful, misogynistic words the moment it’s clear that you’re not the sort of woman they’d hoped you’d be. I don’t know why there’s a need to be unkind, but apparently it’s caused by insecurity: It seems that putting a woman down and upsetting her makes them feel good (better?) about themselves. I find this bizarre, but I guess they really aren’t worth the time and effort it’ll take me to figure out their behaviour.

If you’re browsing OKC in the Klang Valley, this is one guy you should definitely swipe left on.


Fashion Valet Fail

‘breaking stereotypes and embracing your curves no matter what size you’re in’?

Do you know why that line from Fashion Valet’s Min Luna X page is so much bullshit? Because if Fashion Valet and the designer were really interested in ‘breaking stereotypes’ and ’embracing curves’, they would have …

1) used plus size models instead of the usual ‘regular’ sized one you see modelling the clothes.

How can FV and the designer talk about embracing curves when they’re not willing to embrace any in their campaign? And how are women with curves supposed to assess how these clothes look on themselves, i.e. women who have curves, when they are only shown on a model with next to none?

2) made the clothes available in sizes larger than just the current UK14 maximum. (There’s a limit to embracing one’s curves, I guess.)

3) not given the outfits insulting names like ‘Look Taller’ ‘Hide Your Flaws’, ‘Cover Up Jacket’, ‘Hide Your Bum’, ‘Slimmer Thighs’ and ‘Longer Legs’.

So, first they say women should ’embrace’ their ‘curves’ and are ‘all beautiful’ in ‘unique’ ways and then they suggest that
a) these unique curves should be covered and hidden;

b) that these curvy women who are beautifully unique should aspire to longer legs and slimmer thighs?

c) that these vertically-challenged women should try to look taller because … all heights are uniquely beautiful, but some are more beautiful than others?

d) that these same women should hide their ‘flaws’? What flaws? I thought everyone is beautiful in unique ways?

Perhaps Fashion Valet and Min Luna should think of firing their copywriter.

This fashion line is dodgy has hell, and stinks of insincerity and shallowness. FashionValet.com and Min Luna really need to do better. They need to STOP insulting women and STOP pretending to believe that women of all shapes and sizes are beautiful. It’s obvious that they don’t.

‘Beautiful no matter your size … as long as your size is UK14 and under.’


Say Sorry, Trevor!

I’ve just watched the clip in which Trevor Noah makes a joke at the expense of Australian aboriginal women. I think it’s shameful, but I know there are lots of Malaysians who would laugh uproariously at it. At best they would agree that the joke is rude and hurtful, but they would probably also think, ‘But it’s true: Aboriginal women are ugly.’

I know that the majority of Malaysians do not rate an Australian aboriginal’s physical appearance. Hell, we don’t rate the appearance of fellow Malaysians who don’t meet the accepted ‘standards’ of physical beauty, i.e. large eyes with double eyelids; a narrow nose with a bridge; fair skin. And yes, I’ve just described someone who might well be white. That’s because most Malaysians happen to think white people look more attractive than Asians. It’s no surprise that many of our fashion models, beauty queens and actors (of both genders) are half-white. When a Malaysian woman marries a white man, her friends will squeal about how their children will be super cute thanks to their white genes. No, I’m not joking.

It seems Trevor Noah has yet to apologise for his tasteless joke. He’s said he knows better now, but for some reason he’s not said something like ‘I’m sorry that I made a joke that hurt aboriginal women. It was wrong of me to say what I did just for a laugh.’ I have heard him make jokes about Chinese people and they have lowered him in my estimation. Sure, we all say stupid things, but surely someone like Trevor Noah should address these lapses in judgement and opinion.

As for the way most of us Malaysians think about beauty, don’t get me started. I don’t know if we will ever get over the stupid idea that Asian looks are inferior to white looks. I can’t see it happening in my lifetime, to be honest.



Women in Cars

For some reason I woke up this morning recalling how, when I was a child, it was always taken for granted that men would be the ones to ride shotgun in a car journey.

There’d be the driver, and then if there was an adult man and woman present, the man would have first dibs on the front passenger seat.

So, for example, if my father was driving, and the passengers were my mother and her brother, her brother would naturally get the front seat. If my uncle were driving, my father would get the front seat.

If my aunt were driving and the passengers were my mother and her brother, my mother would, I think, automatically sit at the back, unless maybe it was her youngest brother (she had five).

Back then, in my experience, women were always expected to take the literal back seat and it was done automatically. Discussing it with Malaysian friends, it seems it remains the case in some families. However, one friend (A) said that, in her community (Malaysian-Sri Lankan), people of the same gender are expected to sit together, unless they are married. So, if B and her dad are being driven by her aunt, B will ride shotgun and her dad will sit at the back. Another friend, B, a Malaysian-Chinese, agreed with me when I said I believed a Chinese man would rather die than sit in the back behind two women. It’s like Chinese men don’t even like the idea of being driven by a woman.

B also said that, if there are men present, her mother never thinks of her as the one who will drive. A man is always the default choice.

I wonder if this is an Asian-only thing.

Having It All or Doing It All?

Today I was introduced to a blogger (Emma) who draws her thoughts about social issues. The blog post that I read is called You Should Have Asked and explains why women tend to end up doing everything at home.

(Hmm, even as I typed the last sentence I found myself wondering, guiltily, if it’s actually all my fault that I don’t get any help at home. That is another story though.)

Right now my ex-husband has moved back into my flat, with me and our children (a long story that I won’t go into right now) and does next to nothing to help with the chores. I badly want to tell him to get out, but I admit I’m afraid that things might get ugly if I do. Still, I know I am going to have to tell him that sharing a space just isn’t going to work.

Anyway, I read Emma’s comic and almost every frame made me want to cry because it was such a relief to know that it wasn’t all just me being a total failure at managing and being assertive and all the rest.

From ‘You Should’ve Asked’.

Why do I even need to ask?Read More »