The more I date the more I am convinced that I will never meet anyone whom I’ll like and who will like me back. I think I will remain single til I die. This is not a bad thing, but I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to love and be loved.
However, after what did or didn’t happen with Don, I’m beginning to think that dialysis patient of mine, who read palms, was right when he said I am not meant to marry (I’ll take this to include any longterm romantic relationship). He didn’t say I wasn’t going to marry, but that I shouldn’t marry cos of some past life shit. Apparently couplehood will always end badly for me.
Well, no danger anyway as I’ve found most of the men I’ve dated recently super annoying. I liked one of them but he didn’t like me back (enough) and I’ve now gone off him — cos I really don’t see why I should be the one making all the effort in a friendship. I daresay I’d have gritted my teeth and borne it twenty or even ten years ago, but not now, nope.
No longer being willing to settle is a good thing. It means there’s less of a chance of me ending up used and abused. However, there are still these bad dates. I need to stop. I need to move on and learn to be OK alone. After all, I was alone for seven years after Martin and I split and I was fine. Sure, loneliness will be a thing but it won’t be as bad as having to deal with some man’s ridiculous behaviour.
If I’m honest, I wasn’t happy with Don. And I wasn’t happy with Martin. And I remember it didn’t take long for things to go pear shaped with Joel and there was a lot of crying with Din.
I have no idea what to make of what I’ve just admitted. I haven’t exactly been in denial, but I guess this is the first time I’ve come out and acknowledged that none of my relationships have been good ones.
I suppose the next step is to take responsibility for sucking at relationships. Yes, the guys were far from perfect partners but I was pretty rubbish myself. Still, it doesn’t mean I shouldn’t want to fall in love again. It doesn’t mean I don’t deserve to be adored.
So, what next? I don’t know, I really don’t know.