Facebook’s ‘Memories’ feature coughed up this post today.
I posted it exactly three years ago: 25th October 2013. That bit when I say I don’t know what to expect: Indeed. Who would have thought that I’d be planning a whole different life three years down the road. Life is truly an adventure, sorry if that sounds like such a cliche.
I haven’t stopped crying. But I’m crying less. And I’m crying more angry tears, less sad ones. I realise that crying makes me more of a person, not less. I realise that it would not be to my credit to get over disappointment and heartbreak in a few minutes, hours, or days. I realise that I hurt because I loved and cared, and that’s a good thing.
Right now I still feel a sense of loss and I’m asking myself why I should when there was nothing to lose in the first place. Everything I thought I had was based on the other person lying and pretending and misleading. But then, I realise, it’s not about the other person. It’s about me and how I felt – I was sincere, I was honest and I meant everything I did, said and felt. What I experienced was very real to me and so of course I feel I’ve lost something. I’ve lost the love *I* felt, the commitment *I* made, the time and hopes and dreams *I* invested.
So … what’s next? From experience I know that time makes everything less so. I’ve been through bad times before, I’ve been hurt before, and when I think of those times *now*, there is no more hurt at all. *That* is comforting. It makes me happy that I now feel next to nothing when I think of the person I despised seven years ago. Then, it was hard to imagine a time when her name wouldn’t produce pain and revulsion, but it’s happened – it happened a few years ago – and I believe I’d be quite happy to sit down to dinner with her tonight if someone would organise it 🙂
So, yeah, I know I’ll be OK eventually, but apart from that I don’t know what’s going to happen, I don’t know what to expect. That is, of course, as it should be. Life is uncertain and unexpected, a mystery and a puzzle, and that’s what makes it interesting and exciting … and sometimes also nasty and sad. We learn from everything that happens and I imagine I’m learning from this recent experience. I hope the lessons aren’t to be bitter, suspicious and cynical (not too much, at any rate). I trust not – I am not, by nature, those things, although I admit I sometimes pretend to be.
I have just been re-reading John Steinbeck’s letter about falling in love, which he wrote to his son, Thom. Two things in it stood out this time, and made it extra special to me, now:
“It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another — but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.”
“And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.”
Words to remember and lean on and be comforted by. I need lots of comfort and I intend to be kind to myself. So … books, The West Wing, cigarettes (they are the lesser of evils, truly, and those of you who know me well will know they are just serving a purpose and will not be sticking around to give me emphysema and worse), cats, friends, travel. Sadly, chocolate does nothing for me. As for my children – they amuse and irritate in equal measure, and keep me distracted.
So, I am better. And all will be well. Yes, it will. Thank you!